There’s JET. There’s this opportunity at the FMF. There’s life. There’s liquor.
Tonight. I chose liquor after 14.77 hours of choosing the 1st, 2nd, and unmentioned fourth. I got to the FMF/Ms. at 9:00am this morning. I clocked out at Islands at 11:45 tonight. That’s a hell of a freaking long day.
I have JET – I could go to Japan and teach English for a year… paid… an apartment… in Japan… be abroad… holy shit thing I’ve sought out, things I’ve considered selling everything I own to do (to backpack, to travel, to live abroad) — all paid for, and paid for well, and I’d live abroad and gain global perspective and learn a new language and the benefits go on and on. But I’d be in Japan. Not in the US. Not starting the path of my career that I want to be on. That I’m passionate about. The one that I’m meant to be on.
Then I found out late last night that the exec. vice president of the FMF is hiring a new assistant; hers is leaving. I’m not an assistant person. Let’s all take a momend and be honest. Nobody that reads this NEEDED to take a moment. Me – in an assistant position – it doesn’t work. The math doesn’t add right. The equations don’t equal. To be a good assistant, one must be organized and a micromanager. Me? My Strengths? I’m an idea’ist, a big-picture person, a writer, an editor, a loyal friend, but I am not organized. I am not a micromanager.
But I interviewed today. With nearly (nearly) everything I am I interviewed today. I impressed myself. For a job I’m not entirely sure I’m cut our for and even more entirely sure Noelle is meant for (fellow intern – good friend), I surprised myself by how well I interviewed. I could feel it in my bones – I know when I do well, I know when an interview goes well – and then at the end?
Let me regale you with what she said. I’m so happily drunk, I may have spelled regailed… regaled? you incorrectly.
Almost nearly. I’d be stupid not to go to Japan. “I could make an argument for all the reasons you need to accept this offer in Japan.”
And I want to laugh, want to say – oh this is so my life – she basically offered Noelle the job in front of me, telling me how amazing I am, how much she admires my work and my writing, but saying she respects me enough to say with honesty that I’d be dumb to give up an opportunity with the salary of the Japan offer. But it was flattering and helpful, too, because she mocked teaching English. Actually sort of mocked it. In the way that only KS can do – becuase it didn’t come across condescending or cruel – it came across honest, more like I think about it and understand it than I’ve been able to describe to anyone.
“Let’s be serious. You won’t have to be teaching ESL [English as a 2nd language] forever. You think this will divert you from your career path, but if you choose to go into non-profit, women’s work, this will enhance your resume, make you even more valuable.”
She was the first one to speak to my fears about this issue and not just my heart. My heart will always say jump ship and be scared and be abroad. My fears relate to my mind, and my mind will always say fight for your career.
She combined it all and said – do it, and you will be fighting for your career.
So maybe, at the end of the day, KS FMF, taught me a lesson that no other interviewer, no other job position holder, no other key to my future, could offer; she gave me peace.
She won’t choose me. I know this. She’ll choose Noelle. And my ego will take a hit, but then it won’t, you know? Because tears come to my eyes when I think of how fit Noelle is for this position and just how destined I am to work in the editorial field – in some non-profit, for women capacity. I will start trying to freelance and try to build a career from there.
And I may not make the most realistic, down to earth, practical choices every time I come to these place of utter, stressful, absolutely impossible, difficult decision places, but I will always fight for what I believe in, for what i stand for, and that is one part, one line, of my failed interview today that I will always believe, to which I’ll always stay true.
I’ll freelance write. I’ll find an editorial position, some way, some how.
And when I’m stressed as i was today, I’ll end the night drinking Long Islands with friends, belting out “If I Could Turn Back Time” at the most fun of karaoke bars, reminding myself all the while that “$15 drinks” really means – “You made it to LA.”
Dreams do come true.
No matter what my choices, this is just the beginning… right?